The Heavyweight Division’s Most Dangerous Players



One of the rarest skills a football player can possess is the ability to evade defenders.  Nothing instills fear in a defense like a man or woman who can vanish from in front of their very eyes.  It’s mesmerizing, almost magical, watching someone dodge and dance their way through a defense, with would-be tacklers lunging and grasping uselessly.  These eight people are the best in the business at making people miss their flags.

Name/No.: Luis Acevedo, #12

Known Aliases: Mangu, The Swing King

Rap Sheet: 268 Receptions, 48 TDs, 16 XPRs, 128 TDPs, 65 XPPs, 35 INTs, 12 RuTD, 1 RuXP

Commissioner’s Report: Mangu’s ascendance to premier wide receiver status proves either that size doesn’t matter, or that it is all that matters -- we’re not sure which.  But whichever school of thought you subscribe to, one thing cannot be denied: this man is one of the most elusive players in the league today.  No one else has Mangu’s ability to flip his hips while running forward, uncannily spinning his body away from a defender’s grip at just the right moment as he continues to make forward progress.  He’s elevated the spin game to an art form, and all others that have followed in his footsteps are weak least according to him.




Name/No.: Meg Williams, #25

Known Aliases: X-Factor

Rap Sheet: 488 Receptions, 45 TDs, 20 XPRs, 3 RuTDs

Commissioner’s Report: She’s not called the X-Factor for no reason.  Williams’ has everything you could ask for in a wide receiver: great hands, deep speed, fantastic football IQ.  But perhaps most impressive is her juking ability, which ranks among the best in the league.  She can take a swing pass, make a few defenders miss, and turn a short gain into a long first down in the blink of an eye.  There is arguably no other female in the league with Williams’ pure agility, and she uses it to incredible effect whenever the ball is put in her hands.  Which is very, very often on any team she’s on.




Name/No.: Anthony Velazquez, #13

Known Aliases: Big Boy, Antman

Rap Sheet: 337 Receptions, 60 TDs, 31 XPRs, 123 TDPs, 60 XPPs, 54 INTs, 5 RuTDs, 2 RuXPs

Commissioner’s Report: Ant Velazquez might have worked for the KGB in a previous life, because no one does deception quite like he does.  He’s a master at making the defense believe he’s going one way, only to watch him cut back against the grain and head the other direction.  He’s also incredibly adept at adding creativity to his offensive game, including the run-pass option from behind center, and the pitch-back after a reception to maximize the yards his team can get on any given play.  One of the most selfless players in the league, Big Boy can make an entire offense more elusive.



Name/No.: Julez Ahye, #1

Known Aliases: Aye Aye, The Playmaker

Rap Sheet: 485 Receptions, 140 TDs, 36 XPRs, 1 TDP, 1 INT, 2 RuTDs, 1.4 TD Rec/game average

Commissioner’s Report: It would probably be enough to tell you that no one has found the end zone more times in their career than The Playmaker.  With 140 career offensive touchdowns, his prowess is undeniable.  But the volume of touchdowns serves as evidence of what anyone that watches Julez already knows -- this man can and will score from anywhere on the field.  His highlight reel has been deemed to be indecent in nine countries.  If you can get your hands on that reel, what will likely stand out most is his ability to double back during a run and cut against the grain of the defense, catching most defenders off guard and opening up lanes that take him back up the field.  It’s a huge part of the reason he is the BMFL’s most prolific scoring threat.



Name/No.: Katie Donahue, #13

Known Aliases: Hardcore, K-Town, Numbah Thirteen

Rap Sheet: 587 Receptions, 53 TDs, 36 XPRs, 4.4 Rec/game

Commissioner’s Report: Hardcore has a remarkable talent for finding vertical seams in the defense and exploiting them.  She excels at knowing exactly when to turn a horizontal route into a vertical one, always ready to take an out route up the field and to the house.  She has a talent for making that first defender miss and leaking out into the open field as she crosses into the intermediate level of the defense.  Smart defenses know that to cover up Numbah Thirteen, you need bracket coverage -- play her underneath and she’ll get behind you; over the top only and she’ll find a way to take a short gain to the house.





Name/No.: Leron Barrino, #23

Known Aliases: Stats, Mr. Touchdown, Ron Brady

Rap Sheet: 389 Receptions, 85 TDs, 40 XPRs, 130 TDPs, 76 XPPs, 65 INTs, 18 RuTDs, 5 RuXPs

Commissioner’s Report: Some have called Mr. Touchdown the elder statesman on this list, but that statement is born of ignorance.  Leron’s actual age is the square root of a negative number.  Leron is Thor -- he  will exist in peak condition until he decides it’s time to go home to Asgard.  But he’s used his time in the league wisely.  Stats’ game has developed and refined itself like a fine wine over the years.  He’s been ripping through defenses like a sharknado since the BMFL’s second season, but one thing has never changed -- he has the most devastating first step in the league.  Like a panther, Leron doesn’t step as much as he pounces.  And when he does, he is consistently one spin move away from find the end matter where he started on the field.



Name/No.: Will Cuellar, #21

Known Aliases: The Human Joystick, Picante Ballz

Rap Sheet: 426 Receptions, 77 TDs, 26 XPRs, 256 TDPs, 136 XPPs, 98 INTs, 37 RuTDs, 21 DEF TDs

Commissioner’s Report: This man is the most dangerous player on the field with the ball in his hands.  It’s that simple.  The Human Joystick is one of the few players who can claim to have been in the league since the BMFL’s very first season, and he began his career by winning the league’s very first offensive player of the year award.  While Cuellar’s deep speed is among the league’s best, it somehow still pales in comparison to his legendary agility.  Cuellar is a magician in the open field, with his Madden 2017 “Break Tackle” rating rumored to be the infinite symbol.  Whether you choose to believe the rumors or not though, ignoring him on the field is the fastest way to guarantee that he’ll create a full feature film worth of highlights.


Name/No.: Cathy Hagan, #4

Known Aliases: Consigliere, The Haganator

Rap Sheet: 233 Receptions, 18 TDs, 7 XPRs, 3 RuTDs

Commissioner’s Report: Truly unique amongst her peers, Consigliere is an accomplished running back in the End Zone Assassins’ play action offense.  With several long TD runs on her resume, she can make defenders miss as the line of scrimmage as well as out in the field on routes.  She also shows great ability off the run fake to get open down the field, resulting in long completions that put the defense back on their heels and create for EZA’s other playmakers.  A true double threat player if there ever was one.